There are some people who don’t need prompting to heighten their sexual desires, who either want sex or are receptive to it at any time. Then there are others who need a little more warm-up before they get in the mood. Sometimes—read: more often than you think—these people end up in relationships together, and their different approaches to passion can become a source of confusion or frustration.
Mismatched libido, also known as a sex drive discrepancy, is more common than you might think. But talking about it is tricky. The main problem when feelings get hurt by discussing mismatched libidos stems from a lack of education on the subject in our youth. When it comes to libido and sex drive, it’s important to first understand what someone does and doesn’t have control over, such as their natural libido.
What causes low libido can vary, from the type of desire you’re experiencing to medications to aging. Read on to learn more about these factors and how you can maximize satisfaction if you're in a relationship with mismatched libidos.
Spontaneous desire vs. responsive desire
Some people can get aroused in seconds, while others need more time to warm up. The difference between these is known as spontaneous and responsive sexual desire.
People with spontaneous desire often initiate or don't need as much intimacy in the moments leading up to a sexual encounter.
People with responsive desire, on the other hand, don't experience that feeling of desire until they're well into foreplay.
Partners with responsive desire (who are often women) can be misunderstood as having a low libido. In reality, they just have a different type of desire that isn't as impulsive and requires some initiation from the other person first.
What causes low libido in women and men?
Beyond the types of desire, there are several factors that can contribute to a decrease in sex drive and cause inappropriate libidos.
* Hormones: Our hormones fluctuate throughout our lives, and this can affect our sex drive. During perimenopause and menopause, the hormones estrogen and progesterone can create a decrease in libido. Studies show that a decrease in sex drive and overall interest in sex can drop by over 40% during menopause. The same can happen while breastfeeding. In midlife, men also experience a decrease in hormones, and less testosterone can mean a lower sex drive. Contraceptives such as birth control pills can also cause a decrease in libido.
* Medications and conditions: For those taking antidepressants or beta-blockers, a decrease in libido is common. Some people also wonder: Does PCOS cause low libido? The answer is yes, PCOS can cause a decrease in sex drive.
Mental health: Being exhausted at work, taking care of children, or dealing with other responsibilities can all take a toll on our desire. Taking care of your mental health is often a major step in regaining your libido. When we’re anxious and stressed, we don’t feel our most sexually confident.
* Long-term follow-up: When you’re in the honeymoon phase, you always want to rip each other’s clothes off. But when you’re in a long-term relationship for more than a few years, that excitement can wane. It can help to see a couples therapist, use tools like sex toys, or try new things to get out of your rut.
How to Talk About Inappropriate Libido and Improve Satisfaction
This isn’t an easy topic for couples to discuss, but opening up some lines of communication is the first step to understanding an inappropriate libido. For those who live with someone who is receptive, having that constant pressure to initiate sexual activity can be an added stressor. Conversations (and trial and error) can help determine what kind of sex usually works.
Sex runs on a spectrum with no universal “normal,” and there’s no one-size-fits-all secret recipe for boosting female libido or male libido. If you and your partner’s libidos don’t match, it’s neither of you’re to blame. One person might want it multiple times a week, while the other might want it once or twice a month, and even those numbers can fluctuate based on stressful events in the world or things going on in your daily life, like burnout at work or an unfair division of labor at home.
Open and honest communication
When it comes to you and your partner, do your sexual appetites match? No matter where you fall on the spectrum, if this libido discrepancy exists in your relationship, the onus is on both of you when it comes to addressing the issue. That starts with open, honest conversations that are pre-planned in a safe space and not done in the heat of the moment or right after a sex session. This study shows that couples who communicate about sex are not only more sexually satisfied, they are more satisfied with their relationship.
Foreplay
Is foreplay cooking a candlelit dinner and giving them a massage? Cleaning the house and buying them gifts? Cuddling during a movie? Using sex toys together or making sure they have their own time to masturbate and take a long bubble bath?
Foreplay doesn't always start in the bedroom, and men are also interested in longer foreplay sessions, according to this study.
Lifestyle Changes
On the gentler end of the spectrum, libido can be changed by reducing stress in your life through journaling or meditation, eating a healthier diet, getting more exercise (exercise can boost libido!), and getting more sleep.
Trying new things, like adding novelty through new sex toys, fantasies, or kinks in the bedroom, can spice up a boring routine. Sex therapy (individual or couples) can help provide guidance, and couples may even want to consider a consensual polyamorous relationship, with the assistance of a polyamorous coach.
Redefining Intimacy
Sex doesn’t always have to involve penetration. Oral sex with fingers and using sex toys together can strengthen your relationship and keep intimacy alive in a less conventional way. Sex toys, like vibrators for men and women, can help bridge the orgasm gap that’s common in relationships. According to this study, women only orgasm 46% to 56% of the time, compared to men, who orgasm up to 85% of the time.
Mutual masturbation is also a low-pressure way to stay satisfied. After all, no one knows your body like you do! Touching each other together can help you better understand each other's desires.
You can also schedule sex. While this may not be as exciting for the spontaneous partner, it gives the receptive partner more time to plan so that you are mentally and emotionally prepared for intimacy together.
Final Thoughts
Being able to laugh about your lackluster libido while you try to work through the issue takes a lot out of it, but that's not all: it will also remind you of what works in your relationship and why you are working together to make it last.
Some people may simply have lower sexual desires that aren't necessarily receptive, and this can open up the conversation to bigger changes in your life.
The libido you have when you enter a relationship isn't necessarily the same one you maintain throughout it. You won't always find yourself at the same level of libido throughout your relationship, but understanding, empathy, and compassion (as well as utilizing whatever resources you can) will help you keep that fire going.