Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy are often used interchangeably, but they are not the same thing.
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is an umbrella term for any type of relationship structure that allows for being romantically or sexually intimate with more than one person at a time.
That can mean a lot of different things:
* Solo poly
* Polyfidelity
* Cuckolding
* Swinging
* Open relationship
* (And of course) polyamory
Essentially, polyamory is a type of ENM, but not all ENM dynamics are poly.
What makes an ENM relationship?
Well, it’s in the name. An ENM dynamic is one where all the people involved are in non-monogamous relationships that are ethical and respectful.
People who are ENM:
* May have one primary partner and only be sexual with other people
* May have multiple partners who are all considered equal, but consider themselves their “primary partner” (solo-poly)
* May be involved with people of different genders
* May engage in nonsexual relationships – many people on the asexual (as) spectrum still desire romantic connections or may only desire sexual connections with certain people.
These are just a few of the many ways people can practice ethical non-monogamy.
How does polyamory work?
The definition of polyamory is in the word – poly means “many”, while amor means “love”, aka “many-loves”.
People who practice polyamory are likely to experience some level of love and/or commitment from multiple people, while other types of ENM may be more casual for one or all of the partners involved.
People who practice polyamory:
* May have multiple committed relationships, although it is common for one of them to be considered their "primary partner"
* May involve both people in a couple, inviting a third person into the dynamic that they are both romantically interested in
One of the key differences is that polyamory is almost always about more than just sex (as are many other forms of ENM). People who practice polyamory desire an emotional and romantic connection with more than one person. They will often fall in love with multiple partners as well.
Some people may consider themselves "poly" and are only actively romantically involved with one person, but are open to the idea of other romantic connections or significant relationships.
Red, Tah-mah-toe
Despite these clear definitions, be aware that these can always vary from person to person and relationship to relationship.
Having clear definitions is valuable because it helps people know how to communicate expectations with their partner and anyone else they’re dating. It also helps you create a community and find resources to support you and your partners as you navigate these fun, but sometimes sticky, waters. At the end of the day, language is a tool that helps people connect and understand each other better. Language is a powerful tool when it comes to relationships, but like people, it’s always evolving.
Make it work for you
You and your partners need to find a system that works for everyone and trust that it will likely evolve and change over time - this is true for any relationship. ENM and poly relationships need to have a foundation of transparency, openness and trust in order to function responsibly.
One of the most important things when it comes to polyamory and ENM is clear communication. Communicating your expectations, needs, triggers and all the essential details that might not come up in a monogamous relationship.
Here are some other key tips to keep in mind when navigating polyamory:
* Communicate clear boundaries: and be open to changing them
* Seek support: which includes other poly community, individual, and couples therapy
* Consent: everyone involved needs and deserves to have a clear understanding of what’s going on – that being said, you and your partner can decide how much information you want to reveal
* Communicate your needs: your partner is not a mind reader, if your needs are not being met, it’s important to communicate that
* Maintain a foundation of respect: everyone deserves respect, but it’s much more important to maintain polyamorous relationships
* Take responsibility for your actions: unexpected feelings will arise and you may hurt your partners’ feelings from time to time. Make sure you take responsibility for your actions, apologize, and communicate respectfully to get through this.
This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to ethical non-monogamy and polyamory. Again, the most important thing is to find a system that works for you, your partner(s), and anyone else you date. It may take time to work out the kinks, but if it's right for you, you'll make it work.